I swear to God, there’s some deep-rooted stupidity in my Schwenk gene.

The other day, the carabiner for my keys broke. No big deal, but it had two sets of keys on it…my house keys and the trash/mailbox keys and bottle of hearing aid batteries Mike recommended. Little did I know the hell that was set in motion that day…

It started when I left work yesterday. I figured I didn’t need the other set of keys with the hearing aid batteries so I’d left them at home. This is part of the story, we’ll get to it in a moment. However, a synapse in my brain failed to fire and I left my keys sitting on my desk at work. SO, I’m at home with no keys and end up having to call a locksmith to open the deadbolt and let me in. Fortunately, I know how to jimmy a regular lock so we didn’t have to replace the doorknob (credit cards do wonders). $130 + replacement deadbolt ($40) later, and I’m in the house for the night.

Next morning (that’s today for those losing track), I decide since I still didn’t have a carabiner to combine the two key sets, I’d just take the other set of keys I had lying around the house. You see, on keyset #2 was a certain key that allowed me to unlock my laptop at work. The keys I left home. Fortunately, yet again, I managed to jimmy my way in and get my laptop (maybe I need to start a life of crime…I could wear a cape and a mask and steal large diamonds and have an arch-nemesis. I always I imagined I’d call him my Nemesissy. giggity).

ON the way home again (oh no…here we go), I decide “hey, there’s a Bloodbath and Beyond right by the red line on Grand. I can pick up this metal shelf set for my home theater equipment for appropriate ventilation, grab a bite to eat at the Chipotle next door, jump on the train and be on my way.”

Okay, this shelf set? about $50. And it was 2,000 lbs (I’m exaggerating for dramatic effect, but it felt like it). You see, I had to drag this 2k lb set of shelves all the way back to the house. This meant goihng down 3 flights of stairs onto the BUSY train heading north. Going down ANOTHER flight of stairs when I got to my stop. Walking 3 blocks with this thing. And did I mention I bought a couple of other small items while I was at the store? So yeah, I’m trying to balance all this crap…the box is falling apart and stuff is trying to fly out. Oh yeah, and the batteries in my hearing aids died. So now I can’t even HEAR anything…on the train, with people trying to get around me. You wouldn’t believe how nasty people can be if they suspect you’re just ignoring them when in fact you can’t hear them.

Also, I’m FULLY clothed in long underwear
and THICK jacket
and it’s snowing like crazy.

By the time I got in the door, I was heaving like a 60 year old smoker…dragging this 2,000 lb box on the ground to the elevator, and to my door.

And there we have it. Two days in the life of a Schwenk. I swear to God…don’t ever marry one. And don’t ever reproduce and bestow this dark gift on your offspring.

If I ever get married myself, I’m taking my PARTNER’S name. Maybe that’ll work. You think I’m joking? Ask my dad…he has stories too! Oy.